11. Discipling children

11. Disciplining children :

Recently I read an article “ Don't try another discipline technique until u read this”.  The article gave lot of suggestions on how to discipline a child without violence and punishment.  It also enumerated on how the punishment for indiscipline should be a ‘natural consequence’ and not ‘artificial man-made consequence’. 

        Someone has rightly said that doctors spend years in medical schools to master their science. Artists spend years of effort to hone their craft.  But, parents are expected to raise human beings with practically no training or practice.

        The article took me flashback to my early parenthood days.  Every parent faces new and fresh challenges and situations while bringing up their children.  Its then that we try different methods to discipline our children and try to convey the right way and right time of doing certain things.  But then it is always ‘trial and error’ method, which needs to be kept on working upon.  I wish to share some of my experiences on this topic.

1.  Practice what I preach - to make my children understand the importance of self study and making of self notes, the first thing that I didn't do was - speak about the marks they obtained.  Instead I started studying myself in their presence and maintained a note book to jot down points on what I read.  Secondly, I have never told my children to study - they have on their own found out that they scored well in exams when they did do self study.  So many times, I could make out the day prior to the exam date, that this exam he/ she would not fare well simply because he/she didn't put in study time. But I would never speak about it while they were leaving for their exam.  When results would come they would realize on their own.  I would only say there is another exam coming ahead. 

2.  Rising in the morning to school - this one job of waking up children to make them arrive on right time at school was a huge task for me – given that the age difference between my two children is less than 2 years and in order to get them ready meant each and every task right from brushing of teeth to tying of shoe lace had to be done- leave alone packing the lunch box and school bag.   Initially I did the waking up by shouting after about 4-5 gentle wake up calls.  The morning started on a bad note and ugly surrounding and children sulked.  The getting-ready-to-school process got longer and became an irritable chore. I then realized, this was not  the ideal way to deal with the issue.  On an occasion or two, may be more than two,  I let my children oversleep and miss school ( after informing them the previous night that I won't do the waking up).  Before I could hope that this approach may work, my children started waking up on their own .  In case they feared that they may oversleep, they kindly request me to wake them and rise at my first call..  

Yes, the road to discipline is never a punishment. It's just a matter of few positive words and genuine and sincere actions.  

10. Intolerance

10.  Intolerance :

Is intolerance a virtue or a demerit?  No, I am not talking about countries and religious faiths. I am talking about human beings – travelling for long hours in crowded local trains / buses to earn a living and that living is in terms of one meal of vada pav/ bun maska or roti- sabji / dal chawal and sharing a single room with 5 more family members.

Over my 22 years of travel in local trains in Mumbai I have come across number of people who work hard at home, at place of work and travel long distances uncomfortably in public transport.  On one such day in train, I found a young girl of may be 23-24 years of age.  Looking at her attire, she seemed to come from a reasonably well off family.  She had tears in her eyes.  Initially I left her alone but sooner when my friend arrived, inquisitiveness took the better part of us and we asked her if we could be of help to her in anyway. 

She could then not contain herself and slowly opened up to say that she was married recently.  Her parents had gifted her lot of soft furnishings and decorative articles for her new house at the time of marriage.  Upon her marriage, she and her husband decorated their new home according to their taste.  Her in-laws, who lived in a village had come to visit them.  They lacked aesthetic sense and didn’t quite appreciate the décor of the house.  Within no time, the artefacts, cushions on the sofa, side table sculptures and paintings were mishandled  and messed up, which this girl could not tolerate.  She was totally upset at their behavior.   

Meanwhile, another co-passenger told her story that in her house, her in-laws never put things in their respective places.  Due to which, most of the time, each one ends up searching for things.  In the evening when she reached home from work, her first job would only be to put things in their respective places due to which she would  always be in an awful and irritable mood, the moment she entered her house. 

Then my senior colleague and friend, who had the experience of ‘been there, done that’  spoke to say that these irksome mannerisms and habits were the real challenges to be faced in order to get alongwith with new family members after marriage.  As much to our non-acceptance and  egoistic nature in the initial days of marriage, that much more we become dependent on these very same in-laws at the time of difficulty such as sickness, or for help during child rearing, festivals etc. and slowly come into becoming the closest family member of our own in-laws.  Gradually we adapt the family traditions, method and ways of cooking and performing prasads for festivals etc. and eventually, with tact and patience and with the help of our own kids, we do get an opportunity to balance our life and home according to our own taste.

After all, it is just a matter of time.  Who knows who will need whom at the time of any crisis?  Do we really need to give too much importance to material things of show and décor? Aren’t people and relationships more important?  How do then large families live in smaller places such as chawls or single rooms and still maintain cordial relationship with each other?  Also at times of festivals and community celebrations, the gaiety and pomp is manifold among people tolerant towards each other.  Intolerance, whether right or wrong,  towards fellow beings living under the same roof then is a thought-provoking question?

You are great if you can find faults,

Greater if you can remove or reduce them,

But you are the greatest if you accept and love others with their faults.

9. Anger

9. Anger

Anger – what type of emotion is this? Comes untimely and easily even before the person realizes that he is displeased about something.

Train travel in Mumbai cannot end without witnessing and experiencing exchanges of angry glances or an unpleasant exchange of words and arguments, especially in the ladies compartment. And believe me, each day teaches a new lesson of how ugly one looks when in displeasure and how negative the surrounding becomes when abuses run wild at the speed of light. 

The arguments and bad mouthing of words are usually either to get a comfortable seat or to disembark at destination station, yelling at each other and shouting uncalled-for words.  Normally while travel some commuters catch up on their sleep, some read books/ newspapers, some chant their prayers silently and still some work with their digital gadgets and then - the whole compartment is disturbed due to the yelling. The battle ends as suddenly as it started when one of the yelling parties either disembark from the train or get a comfortable seat.  The rest of the passengers in the compartment either laugh at the yelling passengers or start exchanging their own experiences and train-wars with their friends. 

If a regular traveller gets into argument regularly, soon enough the traveller comes to become a known face and others keep away from such traveller.    

Then there are some commuters who comment – “such a short journey – why do people get into arguments and spoil their own mood and spirits– that too early morning while going to work place or evening while returning back to the family”.  Such lot of people who comment  are usually the ones, who have attained some maturity in attitude and have travelled a lot more than the rest.  They arrive cheerfully at their place of work or reach home with cheer, only to find themselves within minutes that they too get upset and lose their own temper over petty issues, without realizing that their stay in office or home is also like a train journey – short.   Anger- what an emotion is this?

Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding – Mahatma Gandhi.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned – Buddha

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. – Mark Twain.

8. 26/07/2005

26th July, 2005 is an unforgettable day for each and every Mumbaikar. Mumbai was under deluge due to high tide coinciding with heavy rainfall.

We, friends/ colleagues, at office did not know the intensity of the situation. As such, it was generally a regular practice during the rainy season, for one of us to start a rumour that trains have come to a stand still due to rains and it would give us, especially the female employees an opportunity to leave office early.  We would then go to the station and comfortably reach home early.  This time around, we assumed the situation would be same and this was just another opportunity to leave office early. 

But alas, when we reached CST station at around 4.30 pm, there were no indicators to show that trains were running. The trains that were at station was packed with people and the station platforms were full of people, without an inch of space to spare.  We were about 10-12 women standing together in one corner for more than 2 hours. Atlast we decided to go back to our office as night was approaching and we could no longer stand in the cramped wet station premises. 

We waded through the knee-deep water at Azad Maidan and covered the 10 minutes walking distance between CST station and our office at Churchgate,  in about 50 minutes.  

To our utter surprise, our office canteen with the help of our union members, had prepared a sumptuous meal of hot dal, rice, papad and pickle and invited the famished and tired ladies first to have dinner.  In the meantime, the third floor of our office, which accommodated the top brass officers, was vacated  to be exclusively used by the women staff members.

We had to remain in our office for two days, till the return of normalcy.  Our basic toileteries were provided by our Office Stores and food by our canteen for those two days.  

Later on, we learnt that, that night every Mumbaikar had a story to tell and every Mumbaikar who could help, did their bit. Some even did great deeds beyond their capacity to save lives.   Till date no untoward behaviour of any person has been heard about.  

Salute to the spirit of Mumbai. 

Salute to our Office canteen staff. 

7. Language

The other day, I received an sms 'ttyl'.  I asked my daughter what it meant.  She said it meant 'talk to you later' and told me to reply as 'ttysdl'- talk to you some day later.  I also happened to come across the language i.e. abbreviations used by my children to communicate among themselves.  I recollected my own early young days.  

Mumtaz and I, both of us joined work before we completed our graduation-i.e. by age 20, on the same day.  Mumtaz used to commute from Mulund to VT (now CST) [Central Railway] and walk over Azad Maidan to reach our office at Churchgate. I used to travel between Borivali and Churchgate (Western Railway).  We were new recruits, young and we had lots to speak about our colleagues.  We too needed a code language.  I knew 'P' language and Mumtaz knew 'NT' language.  

In 'P' language, one needs to add P after every syllable of a word.  For example - Geeta would be Gee/pee/ta/paa  while in 'NT' language, the word needs to be broken in two halves - N to be added to end of first half of the word and T to be added to beginning of second half of the word.  For example - Geeta would be Gee/in/te/ta.

Both of us became so fluent with both the languages that we could speak either in English or even in Hindi or interchange midway -English and Hindi.  

We had to speak more and time we got was less. So Mumtaz started using Dadar Interchange ( change trains from Central Railway to Western Railway).  We did not have cell phones those days, so we used to decide train timings and meet exactly in those trains, stand on the foot board of the trains and chat to our hearts' content.  

Later on, Mumtaz shifted to Andheri (Western Suburb). So it became even more convenient for us to meet and speak. Little did we know that co-travellers, colleagues, people from trains in opposite tracks etc. were keeping track of us.   On one such evening, when we continued to stand at the footboard of a fast train talking loudly in our code language, a middle aged woman got furiously irritated.  She shouted at us to stop talking and within minutes she had other supporters in the compartment.  Much to our surprise, when Mumtaz got down at Andheri, a male colleague  from adjacent compartment also commented on our talk.  

We soon realised that we were getting famous for our language in office too. Slowly we reduced and later on we stopped completely as we didnt meet regularly.

This year 14th  of July, put a full stop to all our communication.  Mumtaz left for her heavenly abode and I pray for her soul to rest in peace. 

6. Identity of a Mumbaikar

I got into the 9.39 CST local from CBD, Belapur.  As was my habit, I opened the book I had with me to read during the travel time.  

The title of the book was 20 questions to know yourself.  Curious enough, I turned the pages to see what the 20 questions were.  

Meanwhile, fellow 2-3 lady passengers came in and sat beside me.  They were not in their usual chirping self.  Each one had a remorse look.  Some even had tears.  Few more came in and they started discussing who got the first phone call. Who called up whom and how they reached the hospital.  They then described the death scene of their train friend and colleague and how the in-laws of the deceased friend exhibited a callous attitude.  The loss was a personal loss only to the husband and the two daughters their friend had. 

Even though I could make out the whole incident from their discussion among themselves, I couldn't but place the person who exactly left for the heavenly abode.  After a long time, I gathered courage to ask one of the ladies, as to whom they were talking about?  She said,' you definitely know her.  Her name was Mangala - 8.26 am local in the year 1994, 8.57 am local in the year 1996 and later on she took the 9.00 am ladies special.  Don't you remember now?   

Oh, believe me, I could place her so immediately.  

In the evening while returning from work, I found a notice board in the 6.01 ladies special  local with a photo of our deceased co-traveller, a description in terms of the various trains she travelled regularly and an appeal to keep a 2 minute silence for her soul to rest in peace.  

As the train left CST station, the 2 minute mourning started and (one needs to really  see to believe  ) that the commuters in the next station i.e. Masjid, boarded the train and maintained pin-drop silence for the mourning to end.

I opened my book and the first question was - Who are you? What is the one thing that makes you special and unique? 

5. Learn on the run

Being a Mumbaikar since birth, one thing which runs in my blood is how to utilise time while travel.  When I was single, I used to do the first time reading of all the theory subjects during the one hour travel time in train between Borivali and Churchgate.

Later on, when I had children, following the same principle, I used to carry all kinds of cassettes like nursery rhymes, daily slokas, daily prayers, fairy tale stories, ramayana cassettes, sholay dialogue cassettes etc.  These cassettes were then played in our car stereo while we used to travel between Goregaon (in-laws)  and Navi Mumbai (our residence), which was nearly two hours journey - one way.  In due course, my children were aware and adept in story/ slokas recital and dialogue delivery in school competitions and plays. We, as parents, had never sat down to tutor them for anything in their school days. 

Lately, too, while I was pursuing studies of Law, I used the hour long travel time between Kharghar and CST to go through the books for the first reading and marking, so that later on I could make notes out of them.

Mumbai local ki Jai Ho!

4. TV, Children and Story Telling

Being the youngest in my family, I have had opportunities to interact with all my nieces and nephews.  I also had lot of opportunity to spend time taking care of them, when elders were busy with other jobs.  I used to then, cook up stories while feeding them with their food or making them sleep.   Slowly, I myself developed an interest in mimicking and changing voices and with the help of eyes and hands to bring a story alive and capture the attention of the child.  No matter how stupid story I said, whether it had any moral or not, ending or not, every child with whom I spoke, reciprocated either by laughter, tears or making his own ending of my incomplete stories.  

It is a divine pleasure to be in the company of children and speak to them about their imaginations and fantasies.

The same story-telling session, I tried with my neighbours children.  But alas! I couldnt make them sit still even for 5 minutes.  Listening and imagining is neither taught nor given importance as a tool to bring up children. Watching TV adds to curtailing the imagination of the child because what is shown on TV is what enters the child's mind.  There is no scope or time for the child to think on its own. As a result, they are not given enough food for thought for their brilliant brains to work on any matter.  They wake up in the morning and sit in front of TV watching their favourite cartoons, while their parents get their teeth brushed, hair combed, uniforms worn, breakfasts eaten, shoes tied and then the parents carry the school bags, lift the children and drop them to their schools in their flashy cars.  All this, because, the parents do not want any ruckus/ arguments and delay in the morning schedule.  They, themselves have to leave for work and they would have come home late the previous night from a party or movie or office. 

The children have become mechanised instruments to be used only as proof of existence of a family.  

3. TV and children

Recently our  neighbours, a young 30+ couple with 2 children, boy aged 8 and girl aged 3 years, purchased a huge  master size LED TV and fixed into a 10 X 10 size hall of their house.  In doing so, they had to move out all the toys and dolls, playing blocks and puzzles, which were kept in a place within reach of the children. Soon the focus of each and every elder of their family got engrossed with the specifications of the TV.  They even had guests invited, who came in all the way to appreciate the TV.  

I, as a dutiful neighbour, always kept my doors open for the kids to roam about freely in our corridor.  Soon the children, didn't wish to back to their home at all.  On one such visit of a relative, the young girl comes and tells me, her aunt has come to see their TV.  The 8 year boy, tells, his dad was so proud about their TV and so he was also proud.  He went on to tell that he would also buy a big TV for his own house when he grew big. 

I was shocked to hear what the children said.  Perhaps, I would have been the only neighbour who felt sympathetic towards the parents for losing on their quality time to be spent with their sweet, intelligent children and instead spent their time watching the idiot box and showing off to their relatives and friends.