11. Discipling children

11. Disciplining children :

Recently I read an article “ Don't try another discipline technique until u read this”.  The article gave lot of suggestions on how to discipline a child without violence and punishment.  It also enumerated on how the punishment for indiscipline should be a ‘natural consequence’ and not ‘artificial man-made consequence’. 

        Someone has rightly said that doctors spend years in medical schools to master their science. Artists spend years of effort to hone their craft.  But, parents are expected to raise human beings with practically no training or practice.

        The article took me flashback to my early parenthood days.  Every parent faces new and fresh challenges and situations while bringing up their children.  Its then that we try different methods to discipline our children and try to convey the right way and right time of doing certain things.  But then it is always ‘trial and error’ method, which needs to be kept on working upon.  I wish to share some of my experiences on this topic.

1.  Practice what I preach - to make my children understand the importance of self study and making of self notes, the first thing that I didn't do was - speak about the marks they obtained.  Instead I started studying myself in their presence and maintained a note book to jot down points on what I read.  Secondly, I have never told my children to study - they have on their own found out that they scored well in exams when they did do self study.  So many times, I could make out the day prior to the exam date, that this exam he/ she would not fare well simply because he/she didn't put in study time. But I would never speak about it while they were leaving for their exam.  When results would come they would realize on their own.  I would only say there is another exam coming ahead. 

2.  Rising in the morning to school - this one job of waking up children to make them arrive on right time at school was a huge task for me – given that the age difference between my two children is less than 2 years and in order to get them ready meant each and every task right from brushing of teeth to tying of shoe lace had to be done- leave alone packing the lunch box and school bag.   Initially I did the waking up by shouting after about 4-5 gentle wake up calls.  The morning started on a bad note and ugly surrounding and children sulked.  The getting-ready-to-school process got longer and became an irritable chore. I then realized, this was not  the ideal way to deal with the issue.  On an occasion or two, may be more than two,  I let my children oversleep and miss school ( after informing them the previous night that I won't do the waking up).  Before I could hope that this approach may work, my children started waking up on their own .  In case they feared that they may oversleep, they kindly request me to wake them and rise at my first call..  

Yes, the road to discipline is never a punishment. It's just a matter of few positive words and genuine and sincere actions.  

10. Intolerance

10.  Intolerance :

Is intolerance a virtue or a demerit?  No, I am not talking about countries and religious faiths. I am talking about human beings – travelling for long hours in crowded local trains / buses to earn a living and that living is in terms of one meal of vada pav/ bun maska or roti- sabji / dal chawal and sharing a single room with 5 more family members.

Over my 22 years of travel in local trains in Mumbai I have come across number of people who work hard at home, at place of work and travel long distances uncomfortably in public transport.  On one such day in train, I found a young girl of may be 23-24 years of age.  Looking at her attire, she seemed to come from a reasonably well off family.  She had tears in her eyes.  Initially I left her alone but sooner when my friend arrived, inquisitiveness took the better part of us and we asked her if we could be of help to her in anyway. 

She could then not contain herself and slowly opened up to say that she was married recently.  Her parents had gifted her lot of soft furnishings and decorative articles for her new house at the time of marriage.  Upon her marriage, she and her husband decorated their new home according to their taste.  Her in-laws, who lived in a village had come to visit them.  They lacked aesthetic sense and didn’t quite appreciate the décor of the house.  Within no time, the artefacts, cushions on the sofa, side table sculptures and paintings were mishandled  and messed up, which this girl could not tolerate.  She was totally upset at their behavior.   

Meanwhile, another co-passenger told her story that in her house, her in-laws never put things in their respective places.  Due to which, most of the time, each one ends up searching for things.  In the evening when she reached home from work, her first job would only be to put things in their respective places due to which she would  always be in an awful and irritable mood, the moment she entered her house. 

Then my senior colleague and friend, who had the experience of ‘been there, done that’  spoke to say that these irksome mannerisms and habits were the real challenges to be faced in order to get alongwith with new family members after marriage.  As much to our non-acceptance and  egoistic nature in the initial days of marriage, that much more we become dependent on these very same in-laws at the time of difficulty such as sickness, or for help during child rearing, festivals etc. and slowly come into becoming the closest family member of our own in-laws.  Gradually we adapt the family traditions, method and ways of cooking and performing prasads for festivals etc. and eventually, with tact and patience and with the help of our own kids, we do get an opportunity to balance our life and home according to our own taste.

After all, it is just a matter of time.  Who knows who will need whom at the time of any crisis?  Do we really need to give too much importance to material things of show and décor? Aren’t people and relationships more important?  How do then large families live in smaller places such as chawls or single rooms and still maintain cordial relationship with each other?  Also at times of festivals and community celebrations, the gaiety and pomp is manifold among people tolerant towards each other.  Intolerance, whether right or wrong,  towards fellow beings living under the same roof then is a thought-provoking question?

You are great if you can find faults,

Greater if you can remove or reduce them,

But you are the greatest if you accept and love others with their faults.

9. Anger

9. Anger

Anger – what type of emotion is this? Comes untimely and easily even before the person realizes that he is displeased about something.

Train travel in Mumbai cannot end without witnessing and experiencing exchanges of angry glances or an unpleasant exchange of words and arguments, especially in the ladies compartment. And believe me, each day teaches a new lesson of how ugly one looks when in displeasure and how negative the surrounding becomes when abuses run wild at the speed of light. 

The arguments and bad mouthing of words are usually either to get a comfortable seat or to disembark at destination station, yelling at each other and shouting uncalled-for words.  Normally while travel some commuters catch up on their sleep, some read books/ newspapers, some chant their prayers silently and still some work with their digital gadgets and then - the whole compartment is disturbed due to the yelling. The battle ends as suddenly as it started when one of the yelling parties either disembark from the train or get a comfortable seat.  The rest of the passengers in the compartment either laugh at the yelling passengers or start exchanging their own experiences and train-wars with their friends. 

If a regular traveller gets into argument regularly, soon enough the traveller comes to become a known face and others keep away from such traveller.    

Then there are some commuters who comment – “such a short journey – why do people get into arguments and spoil their own mood and spirits– that too early morning while going to work place or evening while returning back to the family”.  Such lot of people who comment  are usually the ones, who have attained some maturity in attitude and have travelled a lot more than the rest.  They arrive cheerfully at their place of work or reach home with cheer, only to find themselves within minutes that they too get upset and lose their own temper over petty issues, without realizing that their stay in office or home is also like a train journey – short.   Anger- what an emotion is this?

Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding – Mahatma Gandhi.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned – Buddha

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. – Mark Twain.